An Ode to Disappearance

I've been thinking about running.
Not anywhere far— someplace you could find if you looked,
​ ​ ​ ​ if you really cared about searching for me.
I'd like you to try, and when you get here you can tell me
​ ​ ​ ​ everything I never said, all the ways I wronged you,
​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ how much of this I deserve.

You're right, of course— but you still came hunting;
I mean something to you. Something you can't let go of. Is it such
​ ​ ​ ​ a terrible curse to follow in my wake?
A trail of oil, a reckless burning,
​ ​ ​ ​ a star burning out against the western horizon
​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ as civilization steals our friends from the sky.

I fashioned my own fate long ago, trotting into danger
to escape my fear— though I could never truly flee—
​ ​ ​ ​ and leaving you in the fire behind me.
I thought that I loved you more than anyone, doing what's right;
​ ​ ​ ​ protecting you from my self-destruction,
​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ showing you how to survive in an unkind world.

I fear that the smoke of all my teachings
will drag you downwards into the embers,
​ ​ ​ ​ the childhood I took and the violence I gave.
I'd like you to find me, and when you arrive, I want you to tell me
​ ​ ​ ​ that you're going to save yourself, that you want out of this mess,
​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ then turn around and run as far away as the eye can see.

May 19, 2026